Turing Test Read online

  “Lieutenant,” I greeted him at the bar. “I have a proposition for you. Have you ever considered the restaurant business?”

  “You’re trying to sell me The Portal? You know I’m just a public servant and I’m basically working for my pension.”

  “I do your taxes,” I reminded him. “You made over a hundred thousand last year, plus you had over forty thousand in capital gains from the stock market.”

  “That’s just make-up money for what I lost a few years ago,” he said defensively. “How about I pay you out of the profits?”

  “You mean, I could give you the restaurant and then you’d have a tax deduction.” I had to admit that the lieutenant was shrewder than I’d thought. “My office is off-limits, you have to save that for me.”

  “Like a condo.” He nodded agreeably. “What do they call those monthly fees?”

  “Gratis,” I replied. I should have gotten eBeth to negotiate the sale for me but I’d been putting off telling her that I was leaving. “From the Latin.”

  “I guess I can live with that,” the lieutenant said expansively. “I’ll even throw in free booze for a going-away party before you take off for wherever you’re heading next.”

  “Australia,” I told him.

  “Yeah, right. As soon as Kim went on that extended vacation I figured you weren’t long for our planet. We’re not all stupid, you know. And good job on those negotiations. I never thought you’d be able to get most of the world’s governments to agree on anything, much less accepting an alien network of intra-dimensional portals without even an explanation of how they work.”

  “You knew I wasn’t human?”

  “Mark, I’m offended. I thought you knew that I knew and we were just playing by the rules. How many of your thinly disguised training classes for alien table service have I sat through?”

  “I thought you came for the free food.”

  “Maybe you could get one of your former graduates to come back and manage the place for me,” the lieutenant went on to suggest. “I don’t really know anything about the business side of restaurants in any case.”

  “Why don’t I get one of my former students to come back and manage the place for me,” I countered.

  “You’d be creating a moral hazard by putting somebody in charge of a cash business and saying, ‘I’m leaving the planet but maybe I’ll be back someday, so save all the profits for me.’ Better to just give the business away.”

  “I suppose you’re right. Do you think anybody else knew?”

  The lieutenant shrugged. “I’d assume that most of your regular computer business customers have guessed. You don’t charge enough and you’re too good at your job.”

  “Nobody ever let on,” I told him.

  “Of course not. We were all afraid you’d go into hiding and then we wouldn’t have anybody to deal with ransomware and Windows updates. How about we shake on the deal and you can give me the paperwork later?”

  A moment later, my restaurant changed hands. I called Donovan over and said, “Meet your new boss.”

  “Lieutenant Harper? Congratulations. Shall I bring your regular?”

  “No, just get me an orange juice.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Now that you own the place you’re going to stop drinking?”

  “Most restaurant owners I’ve known were alcoholics,” he explained. “Besides, I’m the one paying for it now.”

  Stacey von Hoffman entered through the side door with Justin in tow. “Lieutenant,” she said, ignoring me completely. “Just the man I was looking for. Can you get us through the cordon around the mall?”

  “Who’s us?” he asked.

  “Me, Justin, Sue, Paul, Kim, and Helen.”

  “Going to join your friends?” the lieutenant asked, giving me a wink.

  Now Stacey looked confused and flashed an infrared question through her eyes. I gave her the nod that the lieutenant knew.

  “I made a deal with the Hankers to ship some heavy items home for me,” she said. “You know that the portal system comes with restrictions.”

  “I heard it on the news. You’re not asking me to do anything illegal, are you?”

  Stacey frowned. “I don’t think so, at least as long as you don’t know what’s in the trucks we’re driving or that none of us have commercial driver’s licenses except for Paul, and his is fake.”

  “Then we better leave it that way,” the lieutenant said. “When did you want to do this?”

  “We’re all parked in a line outside, so soon would be good.”

  I watched the new owner of The Portal follow my two team members out, and then headed back downstairs to start drawing up paperwork to make the transfer legal. Spot came out of my office when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

  “Spot, what were you doing in there?” I asked.

  He sat down and tilted his head at me quizzically, but I could see his jaws going. I brushed past him and saw that my desk drawers were all open.

  “Stop stealing treats from my desk. And if I find you’re the one who’s been chewing the caps on all of my ballpoint pens there’s going to be trouble,” I warned him, even though I knew that chewing pen caps was one of eBeth’s two bad habits. The other was doodling all over my desktop calendar, mainly drawings of alien species that she must have glimpsed through the portal. I hadn’t noticed the latest batch when I was here earlier, but that was hardly surprising as the meeting with my mentor took all of my concentration.

  “If It Breaks Tech. Mark speaking,” I answered my phone reflexively.

  “I just got the news,” Pffift hissed in his native language. “We’re all counting on you.”

  “My assignment is simply to collect information,” I said, keeping my response intentionally vague, especially after what my mentor had told me about Library watching me. “Any decisions will be made at a higher level.”

  “Are you interested in a little side work when you arrive at your new location?”

  “I’m on probation, again. All of us are.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Right now I just want to keep my nose clean,” I said, hoping that Pffift could take a hint.

  “All right,” the Hanker said, exaggerating his disappointment. “I promised to stick around and hold our place in orbit until I can load a consignment that came in over the common carrier net. My sixteen-hundred and seventy-ninth birthday is coming up and I’ll send you an invitation. Got it?”

  “Got it,” I said, and hung up before he gave unseen listeners any more to go on. Clearly he expected me to monitor signals on a tight beam coming from the direction of the M13 star cluster when we reached our destination. On the bright side, having Paul put together an artificial aperture antenna under the noses of the Ferrymen might help keep him out of other mischief.

  Twenty-One

  By early evening, I had the apartment broom-clean and replaced my magnetic door locks with the lock-set that was installed when I moved in. Spot spent most of the day curled up on his favorite blanket as if he knew something was going on and was saving his strength. I was going to leave the blanket at eBeth’s apartment, but her mother didn’t answer the door, so I decided to just bring it along to The Portal and give it to the girl there.

  I took Spot for a final walk around the building and stopped at the dumpster for old time’s sake. They say that dogs don’t have good long-term memories, which may explain why he decided to relieve himself on the exact spot where we’d originally met. I suspect we shared the same melancholy feeling as I drove to The Portal for the last time, though I’m not sure the dog missed the terror that eBeth was capable of injecting into even the shortest trip. When a kid with his eyes glued to a tiny screen walked into the street and forced me to hit the brakes, I didn’t even blow up his phone. It struck me all at once that I was going to miss this place.

  The lieutenant greeted us just inside the door with, “Did you bring the paperwork?”

  “Everything is right here
,” I told him, patting my valise. “I’m giving you a bill of sale for the van as well, so you can let the cooks drive it when they go to the farmers markets in season. And I have a power of attorney for you so you can settle anything else that comes up.”

  “What did the girl say when you told her you’re all leaving tonight?”

  “After watching the most popular YouTube videos on ending relationships, I decided to leave my goodbyes to eBeth until the last possible moment. There’s a big gaming convention in the city this weekend, so I gave her and Death Lord a pair of day-passes, along with five hundred dollars in spending money to pay for her secretarial work. I spent the time cleaning out the apartment and tying up loose ends. When eBeth and Death Lord get back, I’ll make it quick and save her from suffering.”

  “Were you planning on using my gun?” the lieutenant asked dryly.

  “I don’t understand how you can even joke about such a thing!”

  “Just when I was starting to think that you’re pretty smart for alien artificial intelligence, you go and do something stupid like this.”

  “You’re underestimating eBeth,” I told him, spreading the paperwork out on the table. “She’s a strong girl and she has her whole life here.”

  “People aren’t equations to be solved, Mark. Neither are your alien friends, for that matter. In any case, you’re the one who’s underestimating eBeth.” He shook his head at me and exhaled heavily. “Well, let’s get the paperwork signed so I can slip out of here when she finds out what you have planned.”

  “We have to wait for Justin. He’s a notary public.”

  “Justin came through about two hours ago with your art thief friend. They had a rental van and quite a bit of baggage that took them several trips to take downstairs for storage in your office. Funny thing is that I’d swear they took something invisible off the roof rack and brought it in together, but maybe they were practicing to be mimes.”

  I checked for their location beacons but they were nowhere to be found. Obviously they’d come early and taken the portal to our next destination to avoid my lecture about only bringing items that fell within the rules.

  “You must know a notary who owes you a favor,” I said to the lieutenant.

  “As opposed to you going down to the basement and slipping through your magic portal to bring him back? Come on, Mark. I’ve been watching for years while you and your friends disappear downstairs like you’re taking a subway, and the name of the restaurant is a bit of a giveaway. Just like you using Ai for a family name.”

  “I have been told that I’m a little too literal-minded,” I admitted.

  “It’s for the best in this case. I stopped by to talk with that lawyer we busted for running a grow house last month, and we got to talking about the restaurant. He’s going to file a trademark on ‘The Portal’ for me in return for reducing the charges from commercial cultivation to individual use, and he has a brother in the franchising business. We’re going to branch out to all the major train stations.”

  “When did you get so ambitious?”

  “Hanging around here and watching you guys casually change the world. Donovan?” he called over his shoulder.

  “Yes, boss,” the bartender replied.

  “We need some papers notarized. Did you bring your stamp like I told you?”

  “Got it right here. Can I bring you guys anything to drink?”

  I did a quick study of bottles that legally still belonged to me. “I’ll have a Glen-something, and make it a double.”

  Lieutenant Harper grimaced. “I just hope you have the programming to appreciate what you’re drinking.”

  The signing went smoothly, all forty-two documents, and The Portal had now changed hands in the eyes of the local and state authorities, or at least, it would when the lieutenant paid the filing fees. After we finished, I checked for the location beacons of my other team members and found that Kim had also slipped through without waiting for me to arrive, probably loaded down with illegal medical supplies. Then Paul arrived towing several large boxes floating on hover boards, linked one to the next like a train.

  “Come on!” I exclaimed. “There are people watching, you know.”

  “Sorry,” he said, and switched on the Rynxian cloaking technology. “I was trying to save the fuel cells for the other side. It may take a while to find a place to set everything up.”

  “Can I get you something?” Donovan asked him.

  “I’ll have a Camshaft. It may be the last cold beer I get in a while.”

  Helen showed up next with two enormous roll-aways, which made me wonder how much of her month on Earth had been spent shopping. Then she went back out to the car and brought in a third roll-away, plus a tray of freshly baked cookies. I have to admit that I was growing partial to the smell.

  “Where are eBeth and Spot?” she asked.

  “Spot’s downstairs getting warm and eBeth will be here soon. I sent her and Death Lord to a gaming convention for the day.”

  “Oh, I would have gone to that. When am I going to get the chance again to hustle guys who think that girls can’t game?” She grabbed a chair at the table and set down the tray of cookies on top of the pile of paperwork in front of the lieutenant. “Eat. You too, Donovan.”

  The side door opened and Sue came in with a modest carry-on bag. I decided to use it as an object lesson for the others on packing light, but before I got past ten words, I heard a telltale meow.

  “I don’t want to be the first one to let the cat out of the bag, but I’m guessing those aren’t clothes,” the lieutenant said.

  “I brought all my clothes and knickknacks through earlier today with Paul,” Sue said. “We established a forward supply dump.”

  “And you were going to tell me about this when?”

  “We know that you’re trying to be a stickler, Mark,” Paul said. “We just wanted to save you some emotional pain.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense—” I began, but a pair of mismatched Imperial stormtroopers burst through the front door and interrupted me.

  The lieutenant actually started from his chair, but even without scanning ability, he was a quick enough thinker not to go for his weapon.

  “I take it eBeth is the short one,” he surmised.

  “Cool beans,” Helen said. “Now I really feel bad about not going to the convention.”

  The helmets came off and I don’t remember ever seeing eBeth looking so happy. At least I’d gotten that part right.

  “Thank you, Mark,” she said. “That was the greatest day ever. Some rich geek offered me ten thousand dollars for my laptop after I toasted everybody, but I told him that it was an experimental prototype I’d borrowed from a neighbor.”

  “He believed it?”

  “Probably not. Hey, can I take it with me to the Ferrymen reservation?”

  My virtual heart sank into the dress shoes that Sue now insisted I wear for important occasions.

  “Uh, about that, eBeth. We need to talk.”

  “Are you going to lecture me about going to school again?” she asked suspiciously.

  “I’ll be hiding behind the bar if anybody needs me,” the lieutenant said, rising from his chair and beating a rapid retreat.

  “I’ve established a trust fund for you, eBeth. For Spot too. I didn’t want to ruin your life by making you so wealthy that you’d never have a reason to work, but it will pay for college and—”

  “I don’t want a trust fund,” she interrupted. “And I’m not going to college unless they have them on the Ferrymen reservation. And I can pay my own way, in gold,” she added.

  “Where did you get gold?” Helen asked before I could correct the girl’s misconceptions.

  “I traded Pffift the Bitcoin everybody on the team gave me for tips. He wanted my help buying a bunch of illegal stuff on the dark web and he needed a way to pay. It was win-win.”

  “I’m glad you were able to get some gold, eBeth, but you’re not even seventeen yet,” I reminde
d her. “I’d really like to start my next probationary assignment on the right foot by not kidnapping a minor.”

  “How does kidnapping come into it? I want to go.”

  “It’s your laws. Even if I was your biological father I couldn’t take you out of the country without your mother’s written permission.”

  “Just print it up and I’ll sign it. You know I’ve been doing that for years.”

  “This is a little more important than a report card.”

  eBeth exhaled heavily and looked at Death Lord.

  “Tell him,” the boy said.

  “Mom decided that she’s had it with the cold weather and left for Florida with some guy two weeks ago. She said now that I have a boyfriend I can take care of myself.”

  “Is she crazy?” I asked, forgetting that I was always telling eBeth that even though her mother was far from perfect, she still deserved the respect any parent was due.

  “When my mom was my age, she already had me. From her standpoint, she’s done a great job getting me this far, and now it’s time for me to work it out on my own. I’m trying to take it as a compliment.”

  “We could be her foster parents,” Sue suggested, reminding me yet again of the extent to which my second-in-command had gone native. I was beginning to wonder if Sue would ever return to being her old self, and moving to another planet full of humans certainly wasn’t going to help. Before I could even begin to explain how impractical that suggestion was, eBeth laid down the law.

  “I’m an honorary citizen of Library,” the girl declared. “Stacey gave me her crystal last month. You’re infringing on my free right to travel and whatnot.”

  I looked over at the lieutenant, who was following the conversation with interest from behind the bar.

  “I’m not going to get in trouble with our new galactic overlords by standing in the girl’s way,” he said. “Besides, she’s got ID showing that she’s twenty-one.”

  “But I was counting on you to take care of Spot,” I protested, though I have to admit it sounded pretty lame in context.

  “Then I absolutely have to come with you,” eBeth said. “Didn’t you notice that he’s been staging his tennis ball collection in your office for weeks?”